f.e.a.r.e.r: I forgot to mentioned I got this surge of high running through my veins just sitting on that couch yesterday.. but all these gold metals is starting to make me insecure.. inadequate even.. and I've had one too many minors telling that already.. but they're missing the point.. I know what I've done and I'm not here to prove anything.. I hope you choose your moves wisely.. I'm not thinking in the most rational way these days.. I'll pin point any excuse I can dig up.. I really don't want to.. but I'll take all the wrong reasons so that the right ones won't inevitably.. well.. you know..
posted by spes 4:28 am  0 comments

  I have a confession to make:
posted by fuzzkill 12:20 am  0 comments

  I'm putting this up because i can:
posted by fuzzkill 12:12 am  0 comments

  i'm putting this up because i can:
and 17 years later, I pissed in the sink..
posted by spes 3:26 am  1 comments

  extreamely flammable:

posted by spes 2:48 am  0 comments

  All I want for Christmas:
posted by fuzzkill 12:18 am  0 comments

  poor poor showing at the artsy-fartsy sexibition: ..i've had this phrase in my head. i thought it had something to do with royalty. it bothered me so much i had to look it up in the dictionary before i could leave my house.then i discovered that "sartorial" means of or relating to tailors or tailoring...imagine that.i was dissapointed.
...it must sound crazy to say, but i'm sure everyone thought about how everyone else would react if you weren't around...it's gratifying to picture in your head all these people wishing they'd have taken the godforsaken time to get to know you better...but then i picture all of those people who think they know me, who've talked to me maybe 10, 20 minutes of their lives, and i see them going up to their friends to boast that hey, i knew her, how bout that? and that vision just pisses me off.kye was talking to me the other day about leaving a legacy and i realized i've never once thought of that.i hardly give a hoot about this generation, why bother with the next one?the furthest i would go i guess is leaving letters to people i know, people i care about, that they'll receive after i'm gone. i dunno. it's all so fanciful it should probably have greater meaning...oh dear, is all i'm looking to find is meaning? how futile...it's like the great palinurus said, something about sleeping, and doing it forever...

...i dunno if lili reads this, but for what it's worth i love that child to all the pieces that she is, and i wish her all the bestest in the whole widest world that it can be for her, and i'll be a wishin and a hopin that her new job is as satisfying as all the chickens she could eva eat!! gambarimashita!! love love loves lili.muax!
posted by fuzzkill 11:58 pm  0 comments

  truly:

posted by mira 9:03 am  1 comments

  to burn: I saw a tree once that looked like it could take me. A lone tree in the middle of a savannah. I would live inside it. In its branches. In its leaves. In all its roots looking for water. No one would be able to touch me. And I’d move within all its bark, and laugh for all the tickles of ants and lizards and bugs while I wait for all the insides of me to turn to stone, like an insane inside-out gargoyle of some sort. And the sun will warm me and the rain will beat me, and I’ll remember all the times I used to be a mermaid, singing songs. Of being gods, and driving away in ’66 Mustangs. Of boys with strange accents and new lives in their hands. Of love. Although my heart was always left cold, before the thaw.

Old stories always have falls. And new ones never die, but keep moving. Slowly...in flames. The only way to stay sane is to sit still and let all the flames engulf you. And then burn burn burn, like they used to say, till there’s nothing there left to burn.
posted by mira 8:45 am  1 comments

  and boyfriend dies: my mama setan is right.. i don't know why I haven't figured this out.. I'm so used to waiting for the finish line to come, and having to stand an inch away.. I'm clueless as what to do.. I can't see beyond these two months.. and well, it scares me.. I need a break but I'm not sure if I can afford to.. but I guess there's no point in worrying about that now.. just gotta take it one day at a time then.. my last weekend of fun.. my last weekend of partying.. it all goes down hill from here.. shoot shoot.. bang bang.. splat.. wipe clean.. the end..
posted by spes 7:39 pm  1 comments

 
generally
it is better that I follow me
and you follow you

now it is better to follow you
you know what to do
before it was better to be following me
yeah cause I could see clearly

how like a guide book
you can be and turn the pages and see
and I can teach a thing or two
occasionally I'll put your faith in me

I relieve your duty
dutifully
I will take your burden
if you open me

follow me down this here
dark alley
follow me a little blindly

now it is better to
do what we feel
and follow nobody

generally it is better that I follow me
and you follow you..

lenka - follow
posted by spes 10:20 pm  0 comments

  two golden bull cows: i keep looking at clocks and wondering if it's either still day or still night. all the lights of all his lights of all his all his lights, blind me. and love me. and bind me. and there are thoughts and impossible things to say. and more doctor visits. and pain killers that won't stop the pain. and he says, love, what can i do? while i try to find ways to start a fight. another bridge to burn and cross while it's still on fire. and he, my poor cat child, never did see me coming. i'll get us both killed.

there's this place across the street from the pedagogico that feels like "the neighborhood". ahmed and shushan took me there once a long time ago when i first found myself in santa clara. a farm. with a pretty lake surrounded by trees. we made friends with the farmer and he introduced us to his two bull cows. they walk side by side everyday, pulling this cart thing which make runs in the earth. one is always on the left, and the other on the right. when the farmer calls the name on the left, they both go left. when he calls the name on the right, they both go right. i just thought that was fucking golden.
posted by mira 11:09 am  1 comments

  zara's backroom:

posted by spes 4:51 am  1 comments