you spelled 'come' wrong: feet planted long over due.. I've already made my decision but I don't think my lips can speak it just yet.. I've written it, possibly for mere show.. at least my mind has made.. convincing my heart is entirely different story.. it may never.. but we've all gotta keep moving.. there's nothing left for me here.. no more suprises.. or at least nothing suprising about anything.. quiet month.. lucky me.. that kept me alive.. but I donno how much longer I can swim.. I might just lose it.. and drown this time around.. heh.. drowning.. I should have seen it coming.. fuck those sunsets.. cat power's shit.. and those tears.. wasted.. i could've played with the monkey instead..
posted by spes 3:27 am  1 comments

  this revolution in my heart:
posted by fuzzkill 8:29 pm  1 comments

  surimasen, eigo ga hanase masuka?:



posted by fuzzkill 2:27 pm  0 comments

  i ter-shizzled my nizzle:
posted by fuzzkill 9:53 pm  0 comments

  it turns out silence actually has a sound: ...so i'm done reading this Murakami book 'Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World' (isn't it such ane excellent title?) and it makes me wonder whether or not i have a book in me. but that's presumptuous and slightly more than modest. perhaps in the futurefuturemaybe. but yea, murakami's unnamed protogonist knows he finally only has 23 hours to live and the things he does...they're so mundane. it gets me thinking you know, what would i do if i only had 23 hours to live? go see everyone i know here, buy that pretty dress me and lili saw at bangsar village,try to get laid, clean my room, blog one more time, call mira,call kye (and give her that painting), smoke a whole fucken pack, give amri a hugemongous hug even though we're not all touchy feely which i remember talking about over tea once upon a time, (and that tiger in my living room!)...i dunno. what else is there? buy a ticket to japan? but what if it dissapoints me? i wouldn't want to die dissapointed...i dunno though, maybe. stop by medan on the way there, say goodbye to Jus. She won't remember me when she gets older. Hmm.
posted by fuzzkill 4:15 pm  2 comments

  tread:
posted by spes 3:37 am  0 comments

  fucking authorized personale:


posted by spes 1:59 am  0 comments

  mind is messy: you've learned your lesson the first time.. you've given oh so many chances and here you are again, face flat on the floor.. and I know that you know why..
that's the only connection you have with it.. this dark dark emotion when you're near it.. fuck the smell, fuck the texture.. it's not, not
worth
it..
this thing that you're waiting for is not, not,
and believe me is not gonna come.. you keep running around the same bush expecting the world
when you already have it..
these past three month was stable for you.. why shit all over yourself again?

posted by spes 10:56 am  1 comments

 
Let's get together and talk about the modern age.
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets
just talking shit about how we're all so upset about the disappearing ground.
As we watch it melt....

It's all of the good that won't come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust,
if we keep shaking them.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.

All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.

Oh, you're almost home.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again.
I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...

Let's talk about all of our friends who lost the war
And all of the novels that had yet to be written about them.

It's all the good that won't come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
Standing here on this frozen lake.

It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

Rilo Kiley - The Good That Won't Come Out
posted by spes 3:47 am

  season of avocados: You couldn´t number the times the sky will turn pink, even if you wanted to. Or the number of ways you´ll create reasons for wanting this so much. The lazy afternoon siestas. The bluest blue of a lizard. The elongated twists of words and words and words. You´ll grow wild and dreamy, both. And yet, still so still. The least known of your favorite lines will cross every bit of you. And those roads. Always those roads, with hands weighing everything down. Weighing all the rain down. You´ll smile and sigh amidst all the chaos you´ve created for yourself. And he´ll go dance you a billion more hurricanes, with the most shining eyes.

The days follow here, never-ending. And the whole time you´ll feel like you´re waiting for something. Something to happen. Something to POP! Or Poof! Or go crazy. Something that could bury you. Or make you fall. Or perhaps, even burn. And you can´t help thinking to yourself, oh god, please let me burn, or i´ll set this place on fire.

But then, there are other days. Days he ever so carefully peels and slices clean through an avocado; everything is suddenly so calm and quiet. A bubble. He asks you to sprinkle on some salt and drizzle a little olive oil, while he squeezes half of the smallest and greenest of limes over the softness and yellowness of the insides of the avocado. All the while, you can´t help remembering a phrase you stumbled upon to somewhere:

For you, a thousand times over...

And yet, you still feel yourself preparing for some kind of fall. Some kind of mad twist. Some kinda of suicidal run. Some sudden unforseen realization of reality you´ve always refused to believe in. Nuts you will go, waiting, knowing it will come: A choice. A hard one.

Meanwhile, the whole of Santa Clara is running hot and cold as usual. Crazy camareros wearing silky smiles. Slinky mulatas and their steely soft eyes. You´ll fall all over them, strolling along the Boulevard in a sea of drunken laughter, guitar music and fresh bread smell floating straight from the panaderia, where pretty boys dressed all in white talk and tell stories the whole night through. Nothing ever changes here.

In another lifetime, maybe you would have had the audacity to make it easier for yourself. Created a box for yourself instead. To lie in. Following a path everyone knows they´re supposed to take. With equal steps and equal measures. And everything in the right place. The simpliciy of it all. But in another lifetime, you wouldn´t have found yourself under a Santa Clara sun, awake and alive and falling in love with the strange, sweet, almost-bland taste of a ripe avocado.
posted by mira 12:33 pm  1 comments

  suddenly, heroes!: Ka-ching, after a few pretty bland slow episodes, it turns out 'Heroes' can be not so another tv show...why do i say this? oh, cheese cause i just saw episode 17 and for all its transparently bogus sentimentalism my heart still fell to the floor and I told you am! Mr. Bennet is soooo a good guy...mushy endings, the human race, if there's nothing else we live for... i think every daddy's girl will totally get this episode (self-confessed!) and i think the show did well to kill off that girl nobody likes (does anyone even like her?) and I bid Ando fare-thee-wells...and yes if i did have a stick, i would seriously beat peter petrelli with it...and Sylars from '24'! I knew I"d seen him b4..


...and it turns out I will no longer eat burgers. There apparently is a reason 'Fast Food Nation' was made and it was simply to gross the bananas out of the fast-food eating race of men! I'm sure a movie like this was made for no other reason than to preach and in line with this whole eating heatly phase, i wanted it to get to me...and it did. Apparently if you want things to affect you, in all possiblity...it will. Congratulations fuzzy, you now understand the absolutely obvious.

...an just as well, for added measure, it will never end, i know, but when i like, i like a lot! There are no grays with me! I can only work at opposite ends of the spectrum!! but yea, generally i still love certain ass-kicking japanese bands. I went off them for awhile cause i left their cd's in faizals car when we did melaka (!!!) and i didn't save on PC. Now i download again and again I fall. If i were as computer savvy as i'm sure half of the PC using world is by now, I'd take that live video they have of their song 'Senseless' (this song has layers like you wouldn't believe) that they performed at Countdown Japan 05-06 and stuff it here for you viewing pleasure. Alas, I cannot. It's called youtube my friends.
posted by fuzzkill 3:39 pm  1 comments

  lines:

and all the blood and organs and skins of me will simmer, and not boil.

posted by mira 3:42 pm  0 comments

  one for the kids:

posted by mira 1:49 pm  1 comments

  i will not die. at least, not right now...i think.
posted by mira 1:08 pm  1 comments

  they're so proud to be who they're not:
posted by fuzzkill 8:57 pm  1 comments

  a sleepy kinda high:

posted by mira 2:41 pm  2 comments