... i need time out.. see you guys next year..

posted by spes 6:20 am  0 comments

  perks: "I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can't think again. Not ever again. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning." -charlie

posted by spes 4:25 am  0 comments

  shame: I've lost track of time.. it hasn't even been a week but it feels like months.. times gradually moves slower.. things tend to get darker.. I'm just trying to keep my head straight.. be calm.. for myself and those around me.. I put up a smile.. but it gets lonely really fast.. quiet even.. i put everything to a halt.. cause I don't want to touch it.. it's fragile.. suspended in the air.. but i keep it safe.. i keep it in a jar.. locked tight.. until you say it's okay.. for me to throw it away; it's sealed tight.. cause hope is still there.. a mere single atom.. but it's there; iced solid.. as a constant reminder.. of how dirty my hands are.. how clouded my eyes have gotten.. how faint my heart has become.. i've lost..
posted by spes 2:57 am  0 comments

  ::: I'm truly sorry.. I've said what is needed to be said.. you deserve to know the truth.. if I planned to live the rest of my life with you, I don't think I can live it dishonestly.. my heart couldn't take it.. you deserved to know the truth.. it was by far the hardest thing I've ever done.. I couldn't look you in the eye.. I couldn't watch that reaction.. I was a coward.. I said it with my face covered.. you deserve better.. I'm so so sorry..

I've gone through millions of scenarios over and over in my head.. but there is absolutely no reason that could justify my actions.. and why should it.. it was a mistake.. and I was weak.. I wasn't thinking.. I wasn't thinking about my actions.. I wasn't think about the conciseness.. I wasn't thinking about what it could do to my life.. I wasn't thinking about what harm it caused you.. the one thing I utterly hated I have become.. and there's no turning back.. I can't make it go away.. it's imprinted in my life line forever.. and I will always be known as the guy who shat all over what was once golden.. that is something I have to live with the rest of my entire life.. cause there's no second chance at life.. there's no erasing the past.. my slate is tainted.. and I have to live and breathe with that at the back of my head everyday.. that, i deserve..

I don't deserve you love.. I don't deserve your forgiveness.. I don't deserve a second of your time or an ounce of your effort.. I don't deserve the ground you walk on or the air you breathe.. I'm sorry.. I truly and deeply am sorry.. I'm sorry that i was too weak.. I'm sorry I caused to so much pain.. I'm sorry for every drop of tear you shed.. I'm sorry i made you go through all this shit.. I'm sorry to hurt the only one i love.. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..

last night on your bed.. I prayed to god.. for your forgiveness.. I prayed to god for his forgiveness.. and I pray.. so I could believe in hell.. cause that is all i deserve.. i will always love you.. no matter what..
posted by spes 10:44 pm  0 comments

  DING DING DING!: She's leaving!! She's leaving!! she cleaned her room and everything! she told me so she's actually leaving.. let's not trust her to drive down from her house to cbj but cuba is totally kewl.. *sob sob* no more ptj crew.. no more freeloading when you've got nothing better to do.. no more matching of the clothes we wear.. no more jesus christ superstar.. for 6 fucking years!! no more jesus christ superstar for 6 fucking years.. *sob sob* so I guess this is it.. I'll see you in paris.. and when we're old and wrinkly, I'll open that traveller's lodge right beside 'the kitchen' next to azzam's corner whore house.. sigh.. so let's all gather at KLIA yes.. ^_^
posted by spes 12:56 am  0 comments